?Love is not just a feeling, it is an act of your will? Don Francisco
While the overall divorce rate in the United States has declined, divorce among those aged 50 to 64 has risen. What once was considered unconventional? older couples getting divorced ? is now becoming too familiar in our society.??Now one in four people getting divorced is over the age of 50. In 1990, it was less than one in 10.? This is also called, ?Grey Divorce?. According to the Susan L. Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green University in Ohio.
The?overall divorce rate in the United States dropped from 18.95 to 17.92. The divorce rate for those 50 to 64 increased from 6.9 divorces per 1,000 marriages in 1990 to 12.6 in 2009.
Also, to compound matters, the divorce rate for aging boomers is twice as high for those who were previously divorced than those who were on their first marriage.
The increase in more people getting divorced later in life is the continuation of the pattern of divorce and remarriage among the baby-boom generation. The primary reasons for divorce are lack of communication followed by infidelity.
Many couples facing divorce state they only stayed together for the children, financial security or simply state that they are ?not happy?, which most likely comes from lack of communication. Also, some people don?t realize or take into account that people do change throughout the years. The person you marriage at age 25 is not the same person 25 years later. They?ve most likely become a parent, advanced in or changed their career, made new friendships and so forth. It is important for couples to realize they must communicate and grow together.
Marriage is a covenant, a life long commitment, a promise, made between two people.
Common Reasons for Divorce and Preventative Measures
1) Adjusting to Retirement ? Difficulties in adjusting to a life together that doesn?t include work.
Prevention ? Discuss what retirement means to you both. Does it include travel, common hobbies, finding another less stressful job, volunteering, exploring hobbies, etc?
2) Identity Crisis ? Spouses who once defined themselves by what they did at work can experience an identity crisis once they stop working.
Prevention ? Although your career may take up a majority of your time, develop a hobby that you can do alone and one that you can do with your spouse. Make sure you and your spouse share at least hobby. This can be a sport or an activity. My husband and I both enjoy attending rodeos, fishing, visiting tourist sites, road trips and our future plans include making patio furniture. We are both open to each others ideas. Understand that when your spouse retires or changes careers that they will need your support.
3) Adjusting to an ?Empty Nest?. An empty house can be difficult to adjust to for both parents. Wives and husbands whose sole focus for years has been on the children and/or their careers ? When all that comes to a halt, often times their identity is lost.
Prevention ? Find a job until your spouse retires even if it is just part time. Volunteer a few days in your community. ?Spend time creating activities you and your spouse can do together. Spend time creating special meals for when your tired spouse comes home from work. It always helps in a relationship to put the other person first. When you give, you often receive more in return. We have also found that downsizing has helped a lot.
4) Work at Home Spouse ? He or she must become accustomed to having someone else around, disrupting their routines.
Prevention ? Set certain times for work so you won?t be disrupted. Take one of those empty bedrooms and set it up as an office if you don?t have one already. Give the working spouse plenty of space to finish their work.
5) I Don?t Know You Anymore ? Reintroduce yourself to your spouse
Prevention ? If you don?t ?date?, start! My husband and I date at least twice a month. We decided to do this after we had been married six weeks. Men, this is a good time to start wining and dining your wife. Wives, this is a good time to plan that special meal or evening with your husband. Also, take time for the simple things: take walks, play games, shop together,? Revisit some of those old romantic haunts. Watch your wedding video and get out your wedding albums. My husband and I renew our vows every five years.
??As baby boomers get older I expect the rate to go down. We are looking at the attitudes of different generations; Generation Y seems to have an interesting sense of renewed excitement about the concept of marriage and the traditional family. Marriage is still in.?
One question to ask yourself if you are contemplating divorce is if all the bad in your?marriage outweighs all the good or vice versa. I have known two couples who after dealing with infidelity,?decided that all the good in the marriage, made their marriage worth fighting for. ?If there is love left in a marriage, it is indeed worth fighting for. Communication is key and a good counselor can really help. And yes, you can fall in love again.
University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, and a team of scholars found little to no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.?Even more astounding, researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.?
If a divorce is inevitable older children still need to be protected according to Stewart:
?Parents need to be open and honest and on the same page on how to deliver the message to the older kids. The same rules apply: Never back stab or put down your ex. Always remember that your child is one half your ex and by putting down your ex you are basically telling kids half of them is not OK. Sometimes older kids hear too much or their parents share too much because they think they can handle it, they can?t. Be honest about your own feelings about what?s happening to you without projecting or burdening your kids with any kind of decisions.?
Socially, problems that will arise with this sad phenomena is that the children instead of a spouse will be expected to look after a single parent who becomes ill and most likely have to care for an aging parent. And since Baby Boomers on the whole have had smaller families, 1.8 children according to the 2004 census, (compared with 3.7 for post World War ll baby boomers) that puts more pressure financially and emotionally on the children.
I think we need to do all we can to prevent divorce and I hope my suggestions can help a?couple who may be wondering where their marriage is headed. As a Christian couple one thing my husband and I do is pray together and for each other on a regular basis. I highly recommend this very bonding experience for all couples. At times the prayers lead to wonderful conversations.
On another note I think couples today really need to understand what commitment means in marriage. The marriage vows are a promise for life and should not be taken lightly. I believe for many people today view divorce as an option ? an out for when things get hard ? even before the ceremony takes place.
To me there is nothing sadder than finding out a couple has divorced after 20, 30 or 40 years or more of marriage. I would love to hear your comments, suggestions, and advise for preventing divorce.
Photos from Google Images: Wedding Vows, Cartoons, I Do
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